It’s been a challenging 18 months.

A marriage that proved to be incomplete and has concluded with a decree of divorce. A business expansion that was poorly managed. A recent health scare that has turned out to be a manageable auto immune disorder. All against a backdrop of our communities and our country in a divided and angry disarray.

Weird times.

Looking down from 35,000 feet… predictably understandable maybe.

I turned 50 in September. Yah, 50. That’s weird too. We all mature – physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually – in different ways and at different times. I look in the mirror and I’m surprised by what I see. I feel like I’m in my 30’s. Not because I want to be, or its physically sexier, or those were golden years. No. More just because I feel that’s where I’m at in my maturity. Weird to see a 50 year old guy’s face staring me back in the mirror.

As we – I – roll through the years, I’m not sure that life is a roller coaster, like we so often hear. I do believe that life doesn’t take a straight and narrow path. I don’t believe we experience good times and bad times. I believe we experience our lives. The good times generally feel easier and lighter. Seems we tend to like those best. The bad times… tough. A real challenging slog at times that can be filled with darkness. It’s in these dark times that we learn… I think the most. Amongst many other truths – like we’re never alone, my faith informs me that we’re never given more than we can manage. While at moments it surely doesn’t feel that way… hindsight always proves it true.

As this not-so-straight line unfolds before me… its not what I imagined. Or what I planned for. Or what I sought guidance for. No. But it’s life. It’s my life. This path is both my projection of me into the world, and the world reflecting me back to me. How do I walk this path? How do any of us put one foot in front of the other.

Not sure about hitting bottom, but it is surely a low point right now. And what do we do in low points? I have to remind myself… Pray. Eat. Sleep. Breath. Get outside. Eyes up. See – really see – the beauty all around. Ask God to remind me of my purpose. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do?

With the basics maintained, that sense of purpose must return now. Relationships – being in relationship whether with a significant other, family or friends – are critical. So I failed. Try again. Fatherhood is … the most incredible thing I’ve ever done. And I’m doing a good job of it. One incredible little kid at my feet who inspires me every day and provides a razor sharp purpose at the darkest moments. Three happy crazy healthy dogs – good Lord! A thriving champion sport horse who makes me laugh. A body – in its 50 years – that works and is not dis-abled. So get on with it… The ‘it’ being my work in the world.

If I think a space is like a relationship that can no longer live, then it’s time to rethink the space. I can see that some folks relationships just need a color refresh – some new pillows, candles… maybe some new art. Mine is dead. And requires a to-the-studs demo. Is what it is. No need for judgment. No value in wallowing in a sense of failure. The bones – the core of what the form and frame are – are, and were, strong. So start there. Imagine what can be. Applying all you’ve learned. All you’ve become. Everything you couldn’t have imagined 8 years ago that is now very much your reality. The latest chapter in your life’s story.

Beadboard? Plaster? Shiplap? Grasscloth?

Hardwood floors? Tile? Carpeting? Area rugs?

Green? Brown? White?

Sofas? Sectional? Coffee table? Ottoman? Floor lamps? End table lamps? Counter stools? Bar stools?

Bare windows? Blinds? Drapes?

… I don’t know. I just don’t know. And that’s ok. Maybe its just going to be a demo’d space for a while… exposed 2×4’s and nails. Drywall scars and scraps dangling about. Walking into demo – especially those that are forcefully brought on to us by flood or fire – when you weren’t planning a remodel, can be overwhelming. I think, maybe, its just about acknowledging that your house is … not right. And in order to get to right, you need to get into demo.

Let’s maybe get to work and trust that the path will reveal the beauty we can’t imagine. Maybe I’ll get excited soon about what the pillows look like… and maybe, just maybe, the space will find – and deeply hold – a harmony I’ve only ever imagined.

This is my first blog post. Ever. I tried to be an inspired author. But the timing of this writing happens as its happened. I’m where I am. And I’m a crappy actor. So here it is. Blog Post #1. And with it we turn a very heavy page.

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